Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way." --. Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? Remember, these jokes are on the darker side, but a little fun always goes a long way! So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. Did he have . An answered prayer 4. I got this done in Dublin. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not 100!. Marty he sighed, Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?, Bollocks. Sick Jokes. The man replies, "Well father, I ruck big men, and play with balls.". He should have been home from work 3 hours ago? The man sighed. Yes, Patrick, sure is true, responded the lawyer. Very well, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Marys At Mass the following day, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Here is your money .. Hello. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. He then takes the last one in and does the same. Funny Sick Jokes & Puns I got my girlfriend a "Get better soon" card. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response. Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John." "Oh dear," John replies. What is funny however, is some of the madness going on in the world because of the Covid-19, the toilet paper hoarding, the stockpiling of groceries and don't forget the new Coronavirus Challenge where people lick toilet . Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. [quads id=1] A girl came home from a date. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. Sure is, Patrick. Heres what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. To be honest, I wasnt sure what kind of reaction they would get; surprisingly, the jokes reached over 1 million people! What did he call the boy?". Back to Building. What are dose? !, Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfastfor a bit of skydiving; lateSundayevening, he was found in a tree by a. farmer, What happened said the farmer; Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said thefarmer if you had asked the localsbefore you jumped, they would havetold you nothing opens here on aSunday. . An American Priest and a British Man Walk into a Bar. Whats the story? Paddy asks when he sees the look on Sheamuss face. Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. Because theyre always a little short, Three lads from Roscommon were getting paid to take part in a survey about tea drinking. Still no response. Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman. How did you do it! She was back home. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders up another. 1. Once more, they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared, and he started laughing. The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. . I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. Allie Hogan via Unsplash. A call from beyond the grave 1. We exist to make planning your Irish Road Trip easy. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, Oh, all right. the Englishman says sullenly. New category: The Delightful List of Jokes. Well, are you feeling any better?, asked the doctor. Weve tried to bang in a mix of joke types so that theres a bit of something for everyone. !, No she replied. He went to blow out dat feckin' candle"! The lawyer asks the first question. o give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Gaelic breath.. "Paddy jokes" are St. Patrick's Day favorites. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features NFL Sunday Ticket Press Copyright . I felt SO much pressure to drink when I lived in the UK and New Zealand. then shouts down the stairs "Paddy, the both of them?" The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. Inside the bag was the following note I'd wear green for St. Patrick's Day, but I find it makes pale, blonde me look like Phlegm. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, Gran tis my 18th birthday. Its your water tank. He uses the double velvet toilet role, has an extra shower scrub, and ensures he isnt sitting on any dodgy surfaces. ", "Ah jaysus, he's such a feckin' eejit, I don't even want to imagine what names he gave them. The other lad filling them in. The other builders are wondering how he could afford it and start hassling the foreman, thinking he must be getting better pay. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. Shared laughter gives us strength in adversity and can help us feel a bit more in control when the future looks uncertain. Sorry, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps where youre ready there. He asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on Google. Poof! So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! One of the best Irish jokes follows a flustered Irishman who wasn't able to find a parking space in a large mall's car park. Please tell me it was quick? Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. Get your weekly dose of Irish straight to your inbox every Friday. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his . They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed. Score: 20. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. . Theyre called tees, replies Tiger. But could you put it in a cup? Mother drank a little, then a little more. View more comments. None He fell. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. The next morning at exactly 10 oclock, the elderly woman arrived at the presidents office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the presidents testicles were square. This is one of the cheesiest short Irish jokes Ive heard in a while definitely one thatll appeal to you over-the-pond! This catches the Irishmans attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. Rick-O-Shea. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. #9 - 1. Your mums the best shag in town! Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and sticks his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. You will love our Coronavirus One Liner Jokes And Puns but firstly we would like to point out that the Coronavirus itself is no joke, it is serious and even deadly business. A European tourist is lost and stops in an Irish village to ask for directions. With his list, he reached for the most enormous cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it. Loved the first joke, absolutely legendary!!! Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L Because only a few of them could pass the bar., Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher in the national school in Westport? What do you call an Irishman with a case of chickenpox? Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? FOR F*** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!! An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. He thinks to himself Im about 40 feet away lets see what happens. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. Why did the bike fall over? It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. I bet you $10,000 that my testicles are not square. Done, the elderly woman answered. So I packed up my stuff and right. Three guys - one Irish, one English, and one Scottish - are out walking along the beach together one day. Is that your final answer? asked Chris. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, $165,000. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. Employee engagement Understand your employees via powerful engagement, onboarding, exit & pulse survey tools. A farmer!. Yup a McGinny ", followed by 104 people on Pinterest. The next flat up "A Garda is driving down O'Connell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. Forgetful doctor. But no matter how hard it gets, there's always a cold weapon known as a sense of humor. The lawyer thinks that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easilySo the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. Shes over the fu*king moon!'. The man was evidently offended and responded, The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume Im Irish. He went with you to the beer factory." Paddy shook his head. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. New man: Im a gambler. Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed.